How to become a Giraffe Ninja!

Giraffe Ninja? That's not a thing... It should be.

Anyway, hello girls and boiz, I'm Ninja Bob, here to teach you the ways of Giraffe Town.
It's a game that will move you, make you cry, and possibly fondle your insides.

I will now teach you the 3 golden rules of Giraffe Town:

Rule #1: Samer is a Butt-Monkey.

Rule #2: Master the physics.

Rule #3: Play on a keyboard.

Rule #3 1/2: Fuck bitches, get money.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Now that you have disowned fair maidens and therefore acquired currency, you are now ready to beat Giraffe Town.

Giraffe Town can be a rough game to complete normally, but on the plus side, it isn't very long.
The best way to get a good time is to beat 2 sections as fast as possible. The Depression Quest split (See splits for details) and the Satan's Asshole split. (No, I'm not joking. I named it that because I'm a mature adult.)

The Depression Quest happens very early on. It's by far the biggest gameplay section, and the easiest to mess up. You only get 5 lives to complete a nearly 20 minute section. It's brutal to start over again.
The only way to avoid this is to truly master the physics engine.
I also said you should use a keyboard, the reason is because it makes it easier to regulate your speed, at least for me.
The hardest thing to avoid is going way too fast, way too quickly. Make sure you're on good terms with your W key, you're going to be tapping it a lot. (With your finger, you weirdo.)
Beware that the platforms are slightly smaller than you think they are. You will tend to fall even tho you are still on the platform. It's just a weird quirk.
Also remember to rely heavily on your mouse to steer yourself around. Giraffe has a weird tendency to drift to the left when walking straight forward. Good thing to remember.

The second section is Satan's Asshole. (No, it doesn't involve fisting the Lord of Darkness.) But it's going to be something you'd want to do rather than play this level.  
This level will most likely make you hate life, but it's ok. Just hold my hand, We'll make it together. :D
First thing to note is that the house key spawns in the same spot every single time. (See video for details.)
The pain in the ass comes with the gate key. The gate key spawns in a different spot every time you die.
I think there're 3 total spawn locations for it, but I'm not 100%. It will always spawn towards the end of the level.

There're lots of ghosts that re-spawn when killed. But they do have limited spawns. In order to beat this level, you 
will most likely have to kill every single ghost in the level. You are required to memorize every spawn location for bullets. (There isn't that many.) Make sure you never miss a shot, bullets are very valuable and aiming is a pain in the ass. Not to mention Giraffe moves like a forklift with a flat tire, and you get stuck on every corner in this super thin maze, only made worse by the fact that the camera is constantly stuck up your ass. Oh, and you could only be touched 5 times before having to start all over again. Good luck!

If you manage to complete this level without tossing your computer out the nearest window, then the rest of the game only gets easier. 
Surprisingly, people found the final boss hard and I'm not really sure why. Essentially, all you have to do is run around in circles and not get stuck on any trees, collect bullets as often as possible, and attack only when you have a clear opening. (Cue the Benny Hill music.)
The boss takes about 40 bullets, give or take a handful. So basically, shoot him in the face a lot until it dies to death.

The speed-run is over when the screen gets blurry and goes all slow-motion. It's very obvious, you can't miss it.

And there you go, that's the whole game. Good luck to all of you fellow Giraffe Ninjas, I'm Wob Bob Jones, thanks for reading! Byeeeeeee! :D

Wob_Bob_Jones

Giraffe Town

Itsgerg

Redmaster84

Chonkota

Jerandan

Trash27

USA / NTSC

Cutscenes

The skip in the intro

NollerReal

SailorShen

CarbonZonk

SireSquawks

WeenieHutJrs139